Nature of Faith

If you run, he will chase you.

I want to be woken up. I want to know that life has meaning and I am purposeful. I can't just be here due to some cosmic coincidence. I guess my doubts with faith can also just be seen as asking the questions know one has answers to. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be fulfilling while I am here on this earth? Life is so much bigger than myself, this country, this world, this plane of existence. Thinking of big things scares me. Thinking of how little control any of us really has frightens the hell out of me. 

I want to trust that God has a plan, and not just for me, but for the world. 

Isn't the nature of faith believing without tangible evidence? 

I worked for 10 straight hours today. I also got a raise. 25 cents an hour. I am doing well in school. I feel really prepared for my up coming project. I lead bible study tonight, I was rather put together and did a good job. 

But what does any of these things have to do with any thing big or lasting?

Can God really care about each individual? Could God possibly not care about everyone? 

I just want to sing indie music to an acoustic guitar and cry a little bit. 

I am not even sad. I just want to feel overwhelmed with emotion. 

I want to overflow with joy, and pain.

I have been keeping an image diary thing. It will apparently make me a better artist.

I want to see truth, beauty, and significance. 

Then I want to right it down in a dorky little notebook I keep in my back pocket.

Yep, sleep time!

Shower/Do Laundry/Sleep

Ash Ketchum?

Dead Lumber Jack?

Banana Grabber?

Halloween is just a few days away, and I have no plans and I don't have a costume. Jaden and I want to go trick or treating. Who wants to come? 

I have recently remembered how much I love South Park. Like, I don't think any other show makes me laugh any harder than other show. It may make me laugh more than the Office. When will Pam hurry up and cheat on Jim? I need some drama.  

Everyone in my house has been sick recently, but I refuse to let myself get sick. If I got sick I would be so sad. 

I need to shower/do laundry/sleep. 

All at once!

I am obviously referring to 'Man' like as in people

I showed up to work at 8:01, this is one minute later than I am supposed to show up for work. There is a sign on the door that says "Center Closed, No Water." ... Huh. I go inside and I am told that the Child Care Center has no water, like the valve or whatever broke. No water, no baby watching. The downside for me of course is that I have nothing to do. They tell me I might as well go home. GO HOME!?! I live 5 miles away and don't have a car. Not only that, I made Laurel get up and drive me an hour earlier than she needed to be to school. Now I am sitting around, in the Mac Lounge, killing time. Killing time?? I don't have anything to do until 8 o clock tonight!

I am pretty tired. I got around 6 hours of sleep, so I am not doing too bad. According to Nathan's standards I got more than a full nights rest. I obviously prefer a good 8-9 hours. Nathan and Jaden spent the night last night. I was super dorky and went to bed at midnight, they got to stay up late and have fun. 

I am excited about bible study. Laurel led today for the first time. She... nailed it! 

I want to be a banana grabber.

Its weird how in the bible, things that are of man are often the antithesis of things that are of God. Almost as though they are opposites. First of all is anything that binary, although I must recognize that my understanding of God can't be binary because of my inability to comprehend something so grand, but can things really be of either man or God? But anyways, Jesus is referred to as the 'Son of Man' and the 'Son of God'. So, the term Son of God was a very political term back in those times, it was believed that the king ruling the Roman empire was the Son of God, they were in power due to divine intervention. The messiah was supposed to be the king of the Israelites, freeing them from the tyranny of the empire by restoring God's 'chosen' land to God's 'chosen' people. Obviously Jesus preached a messaged that spoke of a kingdom without borders and was a homeless Rabbi for most of his life, not much of a conquering king. By acknowledging him as the Son of God, his followers were pledging allegiance to him opposed to Caesar. So, it wasn't until Jesus asked his disciples who they believed him to be, and Simon Peter answered 'The Christ, the Son of the living God' that Jesus acknowledges that he is seen in the right light. So how can Jesus be son of God and son of man? Aren't these things at war with each other? Aren't these things contradicting each other? This doesn't seem like a binary God, but obviously there are things that aren't of God right?? 

Bleh, random mumblings.

I want to step out of the boat.

__________ If I ask for help, will someone reach out and catch me?  

It seems like it is really easy to have sex

I haven't blogged for awhile. I probably have excuses, but I am too lazy to list them. I went and saw Lauren Winners at this church in Seattle. She is a Christian writer that talks a lot about gender issues relating to the bible. She was talking about the Trinity and how it is all about relationships that are equal and peaceful and that our relationships should reflect this. So, gender relations should be equal and peaceful. I really enjoyed, although it was very academic, and less inspiring. I feel like some people, when giving a talk, have mastered the art of persuasion, they know what to say and when to say it, in order to drive home a point. I don't think this is dishonest at all, I just think it is very intentional. For example, I really enjoy listening to the sermons of Rob Bell, I think he is incredibly insightful and wise, truly inspiring. I do believe that the reason he is so inspiring is because he knows how to be inspiring. Lauren Winners, although obviously very intelligent, wasn't trying to inspire or convince me of anything. She was including all the details, even if they didn't necessarily reinforce her point. She didn't say what I wanted (or needed) to hear. She just displayed the facts. 

I started reading one of her books, it isn't really written with the same blatant display of facts. I am not far into it, but I like it so far. It is kind of depressing so far though. It is all about Christian relationships and chastity. It was displaying a bunch of facts and stuff about high school and college aged kids, and they are all having sex. Even in (especially in) the Christian communities. Why is lust so hard? Why is it that even people who are committed to living their lives for Christ can't seem to avoid falling into the pressures of having sex. People can avoid drinking and doing drugs, they can show up to church every Sunday, but sexual sin seems unavoidable. I mean it obviously isn't, their are plenty of people who don't have sex till marriage, it just seems like a lot of people who seem to want to wait, can't. I mean I have bowed to the pressure of intimacy, and I consider myself to be a pretty strong willed individual. I just don't like that 14 and 15 year olds are having sex, they aren't able to mentally process those kinds of decisions. Lauren Winners was talking about how the church portrays sex in a really damaging way. They make it seem like all guys want is sex, and don't have emotions, and girls don't have sex drives, they just like doing their hair. neither of these things are true. Guys want emotional security and girls sometimes want to get laid. 

Whaaahh, enough whinning. I just want people to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I want the kids at the Jeremiah Center to know that they are beautiful and don't need to have sex to feel valued. I want to know that I am beautiful and I don't need to have sex to feel valued. 

Twin Peaks!! I want to be done blogging so that I can watch Twin Peaks. I want to be like Dale Cooper and eat pie and drink black coffee and solve murder mysteries. One day. 

one day.

I have had waaaayy too much coffee and not nearly enough food today. I'm all shaky. 

I have friends over, I am getting off the computer. 

ps. friends and loved ones, make good decisions and live more healthy, and encourage me to live better. 

... but I still have time to blog?

Week two. I am already feeling it. 

I am so fricking busy. I work till 5:30 Monday and Tuesday and then I work till 4:30 on Wednesday. I have class till 4 on Thursday and Friday. On Tuesday and Wednesday evenings I am pretty occupied with bible study and leaders meetings. Every other Saturday and Sunday I am busing too and from Edmonds to go the Kazba. And I still have an expected 30 hours of homework every week. I love / need to do all things. If I could get rid of one of those things on my schedule I would like it to be my job. I like working at the day care, but I hate working. Maybe someone can give me like 600 hundred dollars a month, so I don't have to work so hard. I want to take out a loan, if I just took out a loan, I could work less and have more fun!! Is that irresponsible?  

The problem with me being so busy is I start to neglect people. I haven't called my mom, shelby or Daniel since I've been back to Olympia, not because I don't want to talk to them, I just have been tremendously busy. I mean last night I went to a show, so I was having fun, but still. ps, the show was great, Paul Barribeau and Kickball. I also haven't hung out with people in such a long time. I haven't seen Riley on purpose (as in except on accidently running into him on campus) in a few weeks. I'll be better I promise. Don't lose hope!

I am listening to the Decemberists on vinyl. It is awesome, except Charlie's record player is all too fast so Colin Meloy's voice is a little too high pitched. I've almost gotten used it to, I think. Only two more months till the show. I haven't been like excited for some epic show in a long time. Most of the bands I listen to are local bands that play every other week, so every time I see them, although good, just isn't that excited. Like I would easily miss it if I had homework or felt tired or something. Not this show, not only did I pay 43 dollars 3 1/2 months in advance, but I plan on showing up disgustingly early and waiting in line so that I will definitely be in the very very front! Woot! It reminds me of being 15. Although I don't know if I've ever been to a show this big and been really into it, maybe Blink 182 when I was 13. 

I have to go to work now. 

Don't give up on me.

I'll shape up. 

soon.

KAZBA!

First Saturday Kazba of the year!
It was soo good. People were actually watching the bands and getting into it. I am feeling good about this. I am always so torn when I am in Edmonds. I love it so much and I know I am supposed to be here, but on the other hand I love Olympia, and I know I am supposed to be there. Wahhh, life is hard.

I think I might (actually) start a blog about faith. Hopefully, I am sure it would be more possible if my computer was fixed. but, for those who would give a damn, I'll keep you posted. I am reading Rob Bell's book, it is inspiring me.

My bus ride was made significantly shorter due to my lovely roommate Laurel who gave me a ride to Tacoma. It literally saved me like 45 minutes. It just seemed soo much shorter.

Now I am going to sleep.

very SADD

Everyone wants me to vote. I don't really want to. This is usually how it goes, "YOU NEED TO VOTE, YOU NEED TO VOTE, OMG YOU ARE AMERICAN, VOTE VOTE VOTE!" When it actuality I believe they mean, "VOTE VOTE, YOU NEED TO VOTE FOR OBAMA, YOUR AMERICAN, VOTE FOR OBAMA, VOTE FOR OBAMA." Maybe not Charlie, I think he actually just wants me to vote, but everyone wants me to vote for their candidate. I don't know if thats the point. 

Reasons why I am not voting:

1) To piss of my friends

2) In order to avoid supporting someone who I don't actually support

3) To protest the two party system

4) I don't want to make a decision that is uneducated, and it would be uneducated

5) I don't think it would make a huge difference, because Washington will go blue anyways

6) The Office was cancelled because of the Vice Presidential debate

So, whether or not my decision changes in the next few weeks is up to me, so stop trying to convince me otherwise. Ahh. 

It rained today :(

Olympia is sad when it rains. Its very SADD

Sara Palin just said "Thats darn right" and "Joe Six Pack" during the debate. Joe Six Pack? What the fuck does that mean? Like a six pack of beer, or like ripped abs? 

We decided to watch the debate on KCTS, their were many options. Okay, I've heard two "darns" so far. 

I want to watch Twin Peaks, that seems much more relevant to my life. 

"Raise Takis, oh I mean Taxes" - Biden

"I am not going to go off the questions the moderator asks" - Palin

Who killed Laura Palmer?

I doubt I am supposed to be blogging at work...

I am at work right now. I am covering someones break at the front desk, so I get to play away on the internet for 15 minutes and answer some phones. So, I love my job and totally feel great whenever I am working, but I guess I am just tired of working in general (right, like day 3). I just want someone else to pay my rent and buy me food, is that too much to ask? I just want to worry about school, bible study, and the Kazba. A job just occupies so much damn time. I am totally aware that this whining is hella annoying, everyone has to work Tasha, GET OVER IT!

Class starts tomorrow. October 2nd is too late for classes to start. I already feel too busy and one aspect of college (like the most important part) has not even started yet. I don't know why I am so pissy, well probably because I had to wake up early and work. But, this will be a good day.

Bible Study tonight!!?!@$! I want to take a nap before bible study so that I can be super into it. Talk about counting your blessings, this school year is going to be so good. We got a lot of great strong leaders and a great vision. We are splitting the group into two, which will be kinda weird. Caleb, Laurel, David and I in one. Deanna, Anya, Gus and Rachel in the other. And then Large group on Sundays.

Kazba has got 3 bands
Bible Study has enough leaders
I got enough hours at work
Heck, I even have rent money

Life is looking pretty good.

ps. I want to be excited about life, not apathetic. I just decided I should tell everyone so that they can encourage me to stop wasting so much time be annoying.